


bite my tongue, bide my time

by orphan_account



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bottom Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Break Up, Emotional Hurt, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Sexual Content, Top Mark Lee (NCT), Unhappy Ending, please give it a try though, sorry guys :(
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2019-12-18
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:20:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21675139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: “Did he touch you like this?”There it was. Mark finding more reasons to hate Donghyuck.Donghyuck owed him the truth.“Yes.”
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Mark Lee, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 27
Kudos: 354





	bite my tongue, bide my time

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by billie eilish's [goodbye](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQiffIU_PtA)
> 
> enjoy

“Please Mark, _please,_ ” Donghyuck begged. It caught Mark off-guard, face turning sour because Lee Donghyuck was not one to beg, “don’t leave me.”

His voice came out hoarse like he’d spent hours screaming at the top of his lungs. His cheeks were tear-stained, flushed from violently rubbing the tears out of his face. The boy Mark had grown to love and admire was a mess before him, hair disheveled and figure drowning in one of Mark’s big shirts.

Mark willed himself to be cruel. He willed himself to hurt Donghyuck just like the latter had hurt him, lied to him, betrayed him. He took a step back when the boy reached for him, trying to keep them as close as possible.

It hurt to see Donghyuck muster up another sob, managing to get a fresh batch of tears from his swollen, puffy eyes.

“Take me to the rooftop,” Mark said, voice flat and cold and full of hatred. Mark hated Donghyuck, and it was something so unfamiliar to him, making the pit of his stomach fill with an unpleasant, foreign feeling, “he told me that's what you said to him.”

 _Him._ Lee Jeno.

Mark’s best friend. The person he’d trusted all his life, his sandbox friend. Lee Jeno, who’d been the first to know that Mark liked boys, the first to know about Mark’s first kiss, first time, first crush, first boyfriend.

The words left Donghyuck stunned, surprised at just how much Mark knew. He felt shame cast over him, like a dark cloud ruining a perfectly sunny day. It made him feel stupid, regretting every single decision he’s ever made that has earned him his current spot. 

Mark wondered how long Donghyuck and Jeno kept it up, how long they decided to lie to his face. Mark thought about the many times Donghyuck would pay more attention to his phone instead of Mark during their nights in, how many times Donghyuck sneaked out at night—claiming that he’d been called to cover a shift at work—with Jeno’s house as a destination.

Mark felt _so_ stupid. For letting himself be toyed with for God knows _how_ long. He felt guilty for something he didn’t even do. The universe works in funny ways.

“At Jaemin’s birthday party, when I caught you in the kitchen. His arm was around your waist and his face hidden in your neck, Donghyuck—you told me not to worry.”

Mark doesn’t know when he started crying. He didn’t notice until Donghyuck had stepped in front of him, shaky hand coming up to wipe the tears away from Mark’s cheeks. His body tensed at the touch. Donghyuck’s fingers were cold, _so_ cold, it felt weird.

“I’m sorry,” Donghyuck whimpered. Mark could see he was trying his best to keep his composure, biting down on his bottom lip hard enough to bruise. It was one of Donghyuck’s bad habits.

Had it been a different scenario, not centered around confronting him for cheating, Mark would’ve caressed his face, kissed his bottom lip, and stopped him from hurting himself. 

Mark didn’t find it in him to care enough. He remained quiet when Donghyuck let his bottom lip slip from between his teeth, a small drop of blood on it.

Donghyuck tried to reach for him again but Mark was quicker. He yanked his arm from Donghyuck’s grasp, making the latter gasp in surprise because Mark was never _this_ cruel. Mark was compassionate, level headed, forgiving.

He lost that Mark. As soon as he decided that sneaking around with his best friend was a secret easy to keep.

“What do you want from me?”

The question made Mark laugh, cold and loud and patronizing. It made Donghyuck feel small, and Donghyuck was never the type to let himself be reduced to a small mess. He figured he deserved it, even if it hurt his pride.

“ _Mark_ —what do you want from me? I’ll do anything,” Donghyuck said, closing his eyes and forcing his heartbeat to slow down. 

The room slipped into a heavy silence, making things feel a lot worse than it had felt minutes before when they were screaming at each other’s faces. He opened his eyes, slowly, swallowing down a groan at the way his eyes hurt from the dryness.

“I have a question.”

Donghyuck’s breath hitched. He didn’t know if he had the strength to answer Mark’s questions, to say things that would do more harm than good.

“Don’t ask questions—please—I don’t want to make it worse,” his sentence was cut short the moment Mark had hooked his index finger under his chin, forcing him to make eye contact.

Mark’s eyes were dark, unforgiving. His eyes were always glossy and brown, blown wide by the little things he found amusement in. Donghyuck would know. They were one of the reasons Donghyuck found himself drawn to Mark.

“You owe me this.”

Mark was right, Donghyuck owed him an explanation. He owed him the truth, even if he’d already confessed. 

“Did he fuck you?”

There it was. The question Mark had been dying to ask, the question Donghyuck had been dreading to hear. He wondered why Mark wanted to know. Was it because he was genuinely curious or did he want another reason to hate Donghyuck—not that there was much of a difference between the two.

It took him a while to answer. When he did, it was in a small nod. Bottom lip quivering between his teeth once again, suppressing a hiss at the sting from biting into the raw cut from earlier. Mark’s finger left Donghyuck’s face, arm falling to his side and shoulders slumping in disbelief.

Panic settled in Donghyuck as he saw Mark take small backward steps towards the door. The look on his face was unreadable, his hands were shaking and Donghyuck wanted to reach out _so_ bad.

“Mark, wait a minute,” Donghyuck said, broken and desperate. He tried to reach for his arm again but froze as Mark’s voice echoed through their shared apartment.

“Am I not good for you?”

 _Please don’t blame yourself,_ Donghyuck wanted to say. _You’re more than enough, Mark. You’re kind, you’re forgiving, and you were made to love and be loved. This is no one’s fault but mine. Please don’t put this on yourself._

Donghyuck’s voice betrayed him. His throat hurt, making it impossible to speak words audible enough to understand. He shook his head, the heels of his hands digging into his eyes in an attempt to make himself stop crying.

“Am I that bad that you had to throw a three-year relationship down the drain?”

Mark made sure to show how hurt he was with every word. It felt like a slap to Donghyuck’s wrists, merciless and painful and deserved.

“Am I that bad that,” Mark hesitated, not knowing whether he wanted to say the words, they would hurt him as much as they would hurt Donghyuck, but he went ahead anyway, “you had to fuck _Jeno?_ ”

Donghyuck fell to the floor. Letting sobs rip through his chest and out of his mouth. Their apartment’s walls echoed the cries, loud and full of pain. Mark’s heart tugged at its strings—he wanted to crouch down and take Donghyuck into his arms, to hold him, card his fingers through his hair yet he stood his ground.

He thought being merciless would make him feel better. It just made him feel bad, for different reasons. Seeing Donghyuck hurt _this_ bad was one of them.

“It doesn’t feel good, Donghyuck. It doesn’t make me feel good—seeing you cry like this. It doesn’t feel good yelling at you or being angry with you. It doesn’t feel good to hate you.”

Donghyuck’s head snapped up, eyes full of tears and regret.

“It doesn’t feel good that after everything you’ve done, everything _Jeno_ has done,” Mark said, his voice much calmer but dripping poison, “I still love you.”

“I’m sorry, I’m _so_ sorry Mark,” Donghyuck said wearily. He planted his hands on the floor and willed his body to stand up, legs wobbling until Mark’s hand gripped at his sides.

His eyes met Mark’s again, this time the hate had slipped away from them, replaced by something much worse. Pity, Donghyuck guessed it was. Mark pitied him, he hates him and he pities him and he loves him—and Donghyuck doesn’t know how long he’ll last until he breaks down again.

Mark’s hands don’t leave his sides. It makes Donghyuck want to overstep their boundaries, if they still had any, but Mark’s voice stopped him from even thinking about doing it.

“Can I kiss you one last time?”

It came out rushed and hushed, like Mark had decided not to say the words but his tongue got ahead of him.

Mark’s lips against his own felt so familiar. The way he let himself melt into the kiss was routine, the way Mark’s hands rubbed at his sides, thumbs tracing small circles on his hipbone, were something he was used to.

Yet it felt wrong. It felt like it’d be the last time Donghyuck would get a taste of Mark.

The kiss started off shy, neither of them knowing if it was okay to kiss like they were used to. It was frustrating. Donghyuck shuffled closer to Mark, their chests flushed against each other—if Donghyuck paid enough attention he’d be able to feel Mark’s erratic heartbeat against his chest.

Mark broke the kiss when Donghyuck’s fingers got tangled in his hair. He stared at Donghyuck’s swollen lips, not knowing if they were swollen due to kissing or Donghyuck biting on them, maybe both.

“Can I fuck you one last time?”

He didn’t expect Donghyuck to comply so easily. He expected Donghyuck to break away from him, to ask if he was crazy. Mark was surprised when Donghyuck got ahold of his wrist, guiding them into their bedroom. He sat at the edge of the bed, placing Mark right in front of him before bringing his nimble, shaking fingers up to Mark’s waistband, eyes never leaving Mark’s own.

“No, no,” Mark said, grabbing Donghyuck’s hands for the first time that day, “this has to be quick. No sentiment.”

Donghyuck swallowed hard. His hand fell to his lap, eyes straining to the drawer on their nightstand. Mark got the hint, legs moving to grab the bottle of lube they kept next to their bed. When he returned to the bed Donghyuck was on his back, legs spread for Mark to see.

He wondered how many times Jeno had gotten to see Donghyuck like this, how many times he had him pliant and willing. The thought made Mark’s blood boil. He caught ahold of Donghyuck’s hand, stopping him from fingering himself open without any lubrication. He knew Donghyuck was doing it to make himself hurt, to make himself think he deserves the worst—and Mark was a cruel person, or he could be, but not enough to let Donghyuck hurt himself this way.

He could hurt in the next few days, just like Mark would be hurting.

“Let me do it,” Mark said, knees sinking into the bed. Donghyuck nodded and that was all Mark needed.

He uncapped the bottle, smearing the cold liquid onto his fingers until he deemed good enough. He threw the bottle to the side, eyes fixed on Donghyuck as his fingers circled around the boy’s rim. A gasp escaped Donghyuck’s lips, and Mark thought he looked so pretty.

“Did he touch you like this?”

There it was. Mark finding more reasons to hate Donghyuck.

Donghyuck owed him the truth.

“Yes.”

Mark didn’t give Donghyuck a warning as he inserted a finger into his tight heat, slow and painful enough to make Donghyuck shake under his hold. He pumped his finger one, two, three times before inserting another one.

“Mark, _please._ "

He picked up the pace, pumping his fingers in and out of Donghyuck’s ass fast enough to elicit moans from the boy’s mouth. He looked so broken under Mark, his cheeks flushed, his lips were swollen, his eyes dry and puffy. He looked ruined, and Mark wondered if it was possible for him to look even more broken.

He added a third finger, movements halting as Donghyuck let out a sharp gasp—clenching down on Mark’s fingers as his cock spurted white ribbons on his stomach. He looked up at Donghyuck’s face, shameful tears rolling out of his eyes as he bit down on his hand to stop the moans and whimpers from escaping his lips.

 _Did he make you cum like this? Did he make you feel_ this _good, Donghyuck?_ Mark wanted to ask. He could, but he didn’t.

Mark slid his fingers out of Donghyuck’s ass, cleaning them off on the boy’s thigh. He let out a broken whimper, clenching around nothing—needing to feel full again.

“Fuck me. Please. Make it hurt, don’t hold back.”

He didn’t have to tell Mark twice. His hands went to his waistband, pulling down his pants along with his underwear and letting them pool at his feet. His cock was painfully hard, a bead of pre-cum smeared onto the head, he needed release. Donghyuck raised his legs, allowing Mark to hook them on his arms and pull him to the edge of the bed. 

Mark leaned down, rutting against the curve of Donghyuck’s ass, groaning at the cold sensation of the lube making contact with his sensitive tip. Donghyuck brought his hands to cup Mark’s cheeks, pulling him into a kiss that had the both of them gasping.

“Fuck me, one last time, Mark,” Donghyuck said, looking into Mark’s eyes as tears rolled down the sides of his face, “don’t hold back, _please._ ”

Mark aligned himself with Donghyuck’s hole, looking for another sign of reassurance from the boy. Donghyuck kissed him, let his forehead rest against Mark’s and nodded.

Donghyuck was always so tight. No matter how many times Mark fucked him, rough or gentle, quick or slow, he was always _so_ tight. But Mark was also big, and now that he was pushing into Donghyuck's rim he realized three fingers might've not been enough prep. He didn’t bottom out all at once, he gave Donghyuck time to adjust himself, considering he had orgasmed not long ago. His moans being swallowed by Mark’s mouth, hands tugging at the hair on Mark’s nape.

Once Mark bottomed out he let a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding escape his lips. Donghyuck’s shaking legs wrapped around his waist, locking him in place. 

_Don’t hold back._

He almost slid out of Donghyuck, only the tip of his cock inside the boy’s heat. He took one last look at Donghyuck, eyes half-lidded and glossy, lips bruised, sweat making his hair stick to his forehead. He imprinted the image on his brain. It’d be the last time he got to see Donghyuck like this.

_Don’t hold back._

“Donghyuck,” Mark said, making Donghyuck’s eyes open up, there were tears threatening to spill, but they both knew it wasn’t because of Mark, “do you love me?”

He would’ve replied with _yes, of course I love you, Mark. You were my first love. My first everything. I’d love you even if you_ really _hated me. I loved you yesterday, I love you today, and I’ll love you tomorrow._ Even _if you hate me._ But his mind was foggy, his tongue felt heavy in his mouth, and he was lost on the sensation of Mark being inside of him.

He nodded, staring right into Mark’s eyes. “Yes, Mark. I love you.”

Mark kept eye contact when he slammed back in, the sound of skin on skin echoing through their bedroom along with Donghyuck’s broken moans.

_Don’t hold back._

His hips kept a steady pace, harsh and quick. After all, it was only meant to be a quick fuck. He let his head fall on the crook of Donghyuck’s neck as he pistoned in and out of him, relishing in the small noises Donghyuck made every time he brushed against the boy’s prostate.

“You let him fuck you like this,” Mark said, biting down on Donghyuck’s collarbones hard enough to mark but not hard enough to hurt. 

Donghyuck answered with moans and pants, scratching Mark’s back as the latter drove his cock inside Donghyuck’s heat without an ounce of mercy. He was so sensitive, legs shaking and thighs spasming, Mark knew he was close to the edge.

“I wasn’t enough, was I? You had to fuck someone else to feel full?”

There it was again. The cruel tone, the cold tone that made Donghyuck feel ashamed earlier. This time he had nothing to lose, he’d already lost Mark. There was no point in hiding his shame anymore.

“No one compares to – _fuck_ – you, Mark.”

Mark laughed against his neck, mocking him. It made his body shake, bringing him closer and closer to his release. He clenched around Mark, cutting off Mark’s laugh and replacing it with a groan.

“Did you say that to him too, Donghyuck?”

“No, no, _no._ Only you.”

Mark snapped his hips faster, the sound of it was sinful and it made the pit of Donghyuck’s stomach feel like a ball of fire.

Donghyuck came, hard and heavy. Mark fisted his cock through it, making him clench around his own cock and thrash around in the sheets. It hurt so good, _so_ good.

He felt tears slide down the sides of his face, his vision became foggy for a few seconds before centering back to Mark. He fucked him through his orgasm, and he was still fucking him after it. The oversensitivity had Donghyuck’s skin burning, the heels of his feet dug into the small of Mark’s back, making the older press flush against Donghyuck’s ass.

Mark’s cock brushed against Donghyuck’s prostate once again, making the younger let out a loud yelp and clench tighter around him. The sensation brought Mark to the edge. He circled his hips, grinding his cock inside Donghyuck’s ass until he came inside him. His hips stuttered, a string of filth leaving his lips as he filled Donghyuck with his seed.

“ _Fuck._ ”

Donghyuck felt so wet, so sticky, so gross. He had no shame in it, he took in the sight of Mark’s face. Eyes closed, lips parted, cheeks flushed due to the arousal. His eyes raked over his body, taking a mental picture of the boy he’d made love to so many times.

He felt the tears begin to form again, he was so tired of crying.

They stayed like that, Mark on top of him, chests heaving and lungs screaming for air. They stayed like that until Mark had gone soft inside of him, slowly pulling out and laughing at the way Donghyuck whined when he felt Mark’s cum drip out of him. He wanted Mark to stay for a bit longer.

His eyes followed Mark into the bathroom, the sound of the faucet running. He emerged with a wet towel, positioning himself in front of Donghyuck to clean him up. Even after everything, after all the fighting, hurtful words, harsh truths, Mark was still taking care of him.

Donghyuck managed to fuck that up.

Mark was careful with his movements, stilling whenever Donghyuck would hiss in discomfort. He cleaned him up, cleaned himself up, and got dressed again. All the while Donghyuck stayed on the bed, dried tears on his face and a heavy feeling on his chest.

“Donghyuck,” Mark said, sitting on the opposite side of the bed, putting enough distance between them considering their current situation, “why Jeno?”

 _Why my best friend, out of all people? Did you want to hurt me that bad?_ was what Mark wanted to ask, but he was still being considerate of Donghyuck’s feelings, always looking out for Donghyuck but never for himself.

“I don’t know,” it came out hushed, barely audible but Mark was always attentive when it came to Donghyuck.

“What is it about him?”

Donghyuck’s eyes met Mark, and for the first time that day, Donghyuck saw nothing but hurt and confusion. And it broke his heart more than anything else, more than the hurtful words he’d said in their spur-of-the-moment fight.

“I don’t know.”

It wasn’t a lie. He didn’t have a reason as to why he chose Jeno out of all people. He doesn’t know how it started, and why he’d been stupid enough to keep it up. Mark stared at him for a few more seconds, words dying in his throat as he stood up from the bed. Taking one last look around before reaching for the keys on their dresser, his eyes lingered on all the polaroids of them, along with some of their friends—Jeno included—and willed himself not to cry.

“Mark?”

If the room hadn’t been so quiet he would’ve missed it, but the way Donghyuck said it, like a plead to be heard, caught Mark’s attention. He turned to the boy before him, broken, ruined, completely and utterly shattered—just like Mark’s heart, just like he would be in a few days when it all sinks down on him.

“Do you hate me?”

Mark swallowed, nodding his head and letting the tears fall down his cheeks. Maybe he wasn’t as strong as he thought he was.

Mark hated Donghyuck. He hated the fact he hurt him, lied to him, cheated him. He hated the fact Donghyuck chose Jeno out of all people.

Just like his and Donghyuck’s relationship had been ruined, the same would happen to his and Jeno’s relationship. Mark doesn’t know if he’s strong enough to lose two people at once.

“Do you,” the words were followed by a broken sob, and Mark forced himself to stand there and not go up to Donghyuck to comfort him, “love me, still?”

Mark was quiet for a moment. Sometimes Mark would use silence as an answer, and Donghyuck hated silence.

“Does it matter?”

_Don’t hold back._

“It didn’t matter to you when you fucked Jeno. Why does it matter now?”

His hold on the keys tightened, the metal digging into his palms as anger took over him. He ran a hand through his hair, sparing Donghyuck one last glance before heading to the door. He could hear Donghyuck cry as he walked out of the room, his heart broke. It shattered into a million pieces as Donghyuck’s cries pierced through their apartment. 

_Don’t go back. Don’t run to him. You were hurt. You’re not the bad guy, Mark._

He tried to convince himself. Repeating the words over and over until he believed them. He was allowed to hurt, to be honest with Donghyuck. 

After all, if Donghyuck had told him the truth it’d only be fair for Mark to be honest with him, too. Even if the price was leaving both of them hurting and confused, broken beyond repair, not knowing if things could ever be right again.

_You’re not the bad guy, Mark._

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments are always appreciated!


End file.
